World domination and the benign dictator!

Last week, following a helluva week in the news, where there was pandemonium in several countries that looked ripe for revolutions, I had planned to tell you about my plans for world domination...
It was a simple plan really, start with Tunisia and establish a base for said world domination (Tunisia is a great place to start, nice climate, oodles of history, nice beaches, the med and an old unpopular leader), then take Ireland to secure the source of Guiness (Brain food), followed by Cote d'Ivoire (Cocoa - read chocolate), then move on to Zimbabwe (just because it deserves to be sorted out and the Yanks are really rather busy...) and then kind of lay back and reap the rewards of being in charge of a modest empire (this empire building should be fun too you know)... I say modest empire because, as in business, when you get big, you tend to get noticed and that ends up in things like cold wars (mildly reminiscent of a playground tantrum where the two parties don't talk over break time and amass their allies through coercion with large amounts of candy...) - most unpleasant really... Yes, the tall poppy syndrome extends to empire building too...
Well that plan went out the window... It has been replaced by an even grander vision!

You see, since last week, the Tunisian government has fallen and in the news this week there are rumblings from no less than 6 different arab governments including Algeria, Jordan, Lebanon, Egypt, Iran and Yemen (really ripe for a revolution!)... Need I point out that this region is the cradle of civilisation? Ok, the diet may have to change a little from the previos plan but I am quite partial to Lebanese wine and Hommus... Come to think of it, three of the PIGS (Portugal, Greece and Spain are teetering on the brink of financial collapse, maybe we should add them to the list?) Makes you think doesn't it?
In all seriousness though, I think the world is ripe for a revolution... In the arab world, these people are fighting for freedom of speech, expression, democracy and progress, all of which we supposedly have in the West and yet, whilst people there are polarised in opposition to their governments or galvanised into action against them for the lack of progress, we in the West are largely apathetic and silent about our own governments. To add insult to injury, our own dysfunctional governments have been meddling in the affairs of others while Rome burned so to speak. Our nations are characterised by voter apathy and abstention. Our democracies are in gridlock with largely equal numbers in power and opposition and several of these are, or were, coalition governments (UK, Australia) which don't seem to be very effective... I really hate that opposition nowadays means that your task is to heartily oppose every piece of legislation mooted by the other side. Wouldn't it be refreshing and remarkable if an opposition leader one day stood up and said 'By jove - that's a great idea!' and proceeded to pass said piece of legislation in a timely fashion with minimal debate (in much the same way as they approve their own pay rises)? I'm sure that the forefathers of democracy didn't intend for it to turn out this way?! What happened to inspirational leaders like Gandhi? Why do we always end up with sallow skinned, grey haired, bland old bastards?
Enter the inspirational benign dictator! You see, my vision pans out something like this... I'd be swept to power in one of these beleagured countries on a wave of popular support with a big enough majority to change some of the rules in order to let me get the job done with minimal debate. The normal democratic process could continue largely unhindered but we'd introduce some things to ' positively motivate' the politicians - really hard benches in Parliament... Homework... Pay cuts... A time lapse period on pieces of new legislation (like a best before date - if not agreed by this date - shred). An acquaintance of mine reckons that for every new piece of legislation introduced they should take one away - that might work... People would get results in real time... I would get re-elected in perpetuity and the world could be peachy...
So first worlders, join the masses, stand up - it's time for a revolution!

Terrorists and Bad Governance

Well it seems the whole world has been struggling with the fallout of Bad Governance over the last week... In the news at least, there's been the ongoing Cote d'ivoire saga, the Dublin debacle, the Congo crisis and the Tunisian tantrum.
In fact - the majority of the worlds problems over the past few years could well be put down to Bad Governance and terrorists...
So, back to the news - it started with the Iraq inquiry where Tony Blair was being grilled by a bunch of very high profile QCs. I really pity the man for several reasons, the first; how on earth is he meant to remember conversations that he had going back to 2001? I can barely remember conversations going back ten minutes (sure, the gravity of my conversations is not quite of the same magnitude as that of the Iraq war but notwithstanding, one would hope that he would have had a LOT of discussion prior to going to war which would make the inquiry all the more difficult...). The second reason that I pity the man is that he blindly followed Big W into the war 'in solidarity with America', I mean really, how can that even be explained? Then again, Afghanistan, sure, the Taliban were bad people (Yes Saddam was a bad person too - but probably no worse than Mugabe) and the main motivation - they were probably hiding Bin Laden. So, the question on everyones lips 'did we go to Iraq for oil?' - Of course we did... But this is where I think it all went horribly wrong. I reckon Iraq was meant to be a quick badda bing, badda boom, get rid of Saddam and install a friendly arab, control the oil and a large chunk of the middle east. Nice job gentlemen. Had that been the case the war in Iraq would probably not be news any more... But clearly that didn't work out. Now here is the thing - just across the water (so to speak) is Sudan, another oil rich basket case with a leader who is actually wanted by the ICC on charges of crimes against humanity. Everyone seems to be fighting there (North vs South and then there's the Darfur region and Chad) - why not go and sort that out? That would be too much like hard work I think. But logistically they would have been doing us a favour because they could have sorted out Somalia and Yemen at the same time! Really - if it was Bad Governance (or no governance) and terrorists that you were looking for it would be harder to find three more promising countries right? Phew...
Then there is Tunisia, Ireland, Cote d'Ivoire, the Congo and Zimbabwe - the subject of next weeks blog on World Domination!

Miner vs hippies!

I've been meaning to write about this for a long time because it's a conversation that I have had with several tree hugging do-gooders over the years and I think that I have perfected my argument! You can imagine the set up, me standing near a bar, covered in dust after a long drive, boots covered in drilling mud, throat slightly parched while I wait for the barman to serve me an icy cold beer and Boom, the hippie turns up. You know the type, it's wearing clothes made of organic natural fibres, you know the ones that always look as if they are ten years old because, of course, they only use natural dyes... I say 'it' because with this species it is often very hard to differentiate the sexes upon first inspection and besides I wouldn't want to be a gender discriminator... It has a faint whiff of body odour interlaced with marijuana and too much body hair and suddenly notices me (Oh no!), now with beer in hand and turns and says 'Oh do you work in mining?'... To which I say 'No you fool, I'm covered in crap and wearing this drab brown khaki shirt and trousers that say 'Two bit mining company' on the large logo emblazoned upon my chest because I'm an ice cream vendor and I think the colours really suit my complexion"... Not really... What you actually say is the well rehearsed verse "Yeah, I'm a geologist with 'Two Bit Mining Company" and we're here looking for .... (insert commodity of choice)". So it begins... The hippie then says something along the lines of 'Oh so you're here to plunder the resources of x african country so that you can export them to the west and earn a fortune'... Damn straight! Well I'll try anyway...
Lets just get several things straight right from the get go. If X african country actually had the skills to find and develop their own natural resources, they would! The fact of the matter is that they do not. Which creates a need for people like me and the reasons that geologists are paid well are: A. We are professionals B. there aren't many of us; C. we work long rosters away from home in said shitty african country; D. We usually have to endure horrific climatic conditions fairly regularly as a part of our work (think Australian outback in summer) E. Said african country usually carries a whole raft of diseases and parasites or animals that can kill you (think Giardia, ticks, leaches, spitting cobras - I've had them all).
So moving swiftly along...
The reality is that mining is messy... Recovering minerals involves ripping a hole in the ground usually and the other thing about mineral deposits, the really annoying thing about mineral deposits, is that they are not discriminatory, they occur in every country, in every conceivable climate and location and many of them are in very beautiful places, places that are remote and untouched. Sorry.
The demand and prices for minerals are such that we (humanity - not miners) are able to go to even more remote places in search of them. Companies will take higher risks and work in places like Sudan (BP) and the (not so) Democratic Republic of Congo (Every major mining company). One other interesting fact is that around 4% of the earths surface is occupied by cities, my guess is that mines occupy way less than 1% of its surface...
The fundamental thing that my new found tree hugging hippy acquaintance deigns to forget is that we are surrounded by things that were ultimately sourced from the ground. Let me provide a few examples: Glass - you need a Silica source, knife and fork - stainless steel which requires Iron, Nickel and Chrome, mobile phone (insert list of metals used here - all mined) plus plastic which is usually synthesised from Oil and Gas, another extractive industry that really got the hippies going when the Gulf of Mexico disaster happened - many of them felt so strongly about this that they got on on their very environmentally friendly bicycles (also made of steel, aluminium or if they could bear to spend the money - carbon fibre - all mined) to go and protest. Bless.
Even if you converted wholly to wood, the chances are that you will need some metal implement to fashion this wood into anything remotely useful... So lets just move on. Force, through legislation, companies involved in the extractive industries to develop a corporate awareness and social responsibility and to put something back into the world from which we extract so much. Fortunately, in most parts of the world, the governments and stock exchanges which ultimately control these companies have already done this. So, my hippie friend, you are free to go back to doing whatever it is that you were doing to make yourself feel morally superior and I will go back to enjoying my beer in solitary splendour. Also - you can now start wearing real clothes and stop eating with your hands and still rest easy, but please, stop attacking the mining companies because the chances are that some big bad mining company somewhere in the world pays approximately 45% of your dole allowance...

2011 - a fresh start...

Well... 2011 is here and arrived with much the usual amount of fanfare and mayhem and as always I swore that this year would be different in so many ways. Predictably it started with a hangover.
Unfortunately, much like last year the first notable event of the year was a very long flight back to Zambia from Australia at vast expense. At least Qantas were good enough to upgrade me to 'premium economy' which was pleasant... The notable differences in premium economy as compared to terrorist class, only a few rows behind, is that they give you a tablecloth (bless) and metal cutlery so that you can more effectively stab the eye out the fat git that's snoring next to you whilst you are still sitting up bleary eyed and trying to watch the latest of the plane sanitised, everything's-gonna-be-alright Hollywood nonsense involving Katherine Heigl and Ashton Kutcher (they never put on saucy movies or movies with extreme violence lest some religious extremist gets his turban in a tangle for seeing a bit of lily white upper thigh)... Oh yeah and the seat is a full two inches wider so it can cope with an average sized human being. How has air travel come to be like this? Where are the glory days of romantic aviators wearing shiny epaulets and island hopping across the Atlantic? GONE they are. Now air travel is one of those experiences where you have to walk sideways down the too narrow aisle and try and squeeze your hand luggage into the overhead locker that is already filled with the possessions of the migrating aforementioned turban wearer whom you then have to step over on the way into your too small seat. Then you wait and watch your fellow passengers going through the same motions, all the while going 'not the big guy, not the big guy, not the big guy'. The big guy inevitably sits in the too small seat next to you which results in you having to sit forward and eat your meal, bowl to mouth like an oriental person, sans chopsticks to make it look cool... You then get to watch lots of tv on a too small television and eat several other too small meals with too small cutlery.
The longest flight of my life was a commute fom work in Tanzania back to Perth. The situation was exactly as above except for the fact that the too large person was a German woman (we'll call her Hilda shall we?) with a too small husband. Unfortunately, given the option of the skinny husband taking the inner seat on the row of four, Hilda elected to sit next to me and she fully flowed through the armrest, in fact it may be fairer to say that she enveloped the armrest that I could have sworn was meant to be between us... Throw into the mix that the Airbus A340 doesn't have air conditioning vents on account of the high roof over the middle seats and you can imagine the result - sweaty Hilda, who turned out to be an oh so sound sleeper with a droopy head that kept on finding its way onto my shoulder. I was terrified... Seriously, airlines need a better system...
So anyway... I made it back to Zambia safe and sound and with a minimal amount of fuss. I'm proud to say that I did not miss any flights (James, my colleague and sometimes travel mate has started the year with a bang and missed a flight on day 4 of the year! James you have learnt from the best!) - missing flights is a particular strength of mine and was a recurring theme in 2010...
So, in closing, the simple aims for 2011 are to travel more and work less and win the newly spawned competition with James to see who can miss the least flights! The stakes are particularly high seeing as the loser will be buying the winner a pint of his choice in a pub of his choice, anywhere in the world... I hear they have good beer in Bishkek!